come off anue
I went to the optometrist and purposefully did a bad job on the eye examination so that they would write me a prescription for glasses so I could buy myself a pair (they are way more expensive than I thought they would be) and wear them when I’m around you and slightly lift them up and rub the bridge of my nose with my thumb and forefinger and act like I have a piercing headache whenever you say something stupid.
Have you ever been to earth?
On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:
You’re an idiot.
Let me further explain:
Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.
Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.
When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.
And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:
Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.
My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.
You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.
And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.
What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.
I just want a burrito.
You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.
UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:
A fucking fork?
I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.
If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.
That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.
Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.
A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.
People eat burritos with forks?
God is sorry he made us.
I always need this on my blog.
I read this in Bobs/Archers voice by accident. It was very nice. I enjoyed it.
I have to thank kissesforyourlovin for that suggestion because I read this post the first time aWHILE ago and I was just gonna scroll past this until I saw that and my god this is pure GOLD
If you really like somebody, let them know by having a pizza delivered to their home. They won’t be there so the delivery driver will just leave the pizza in front of their door per your instructions. Giant birds will smell the delicious pie and will attack the box with terrifying ferocity. The person you like will come home while this is happening and they will capture one of the birds. They will raise it as if it were their child. They will dress it and send it to school. It will get a good education and it’s all thanks to you.
I keep getting held back on purpose. Year after year, I fail my tests, I don’t do my homework, I don’t participate, and I miss weeks and weeks of class. I do this so I can dominate the school’s talent show. I have had so many years to practice. There is no way anybody other than me will ever win. My home is full of gold medals that I’ve earned at these talent shows. I am a local celebrity.
My talent is carefully filling a big balloon with angry bees and then popping it in the packed auditorium.
"It’s not my fault. I have naturally slippery butt cheeks," she said. She was having an argument with a gentleman who looked like he could have either been her brother or her boyfriend. I wanted to stop walking and listen to the rest of their conversation, but I’m not rude. I continued on my way. Besides, if I would have stopped to eavesdrop on them, I would have been late for the funeral. My funeral.
It had always been my dream to fake my own death and then disguise myself as a Catholic priest and preside over my own funeral. Today was the day that I would turn that dream into a reality.
The ceremony went well. It was a quiet, solemn affair. It was difficult for me to concentrate on what was happening. I kept thinking about that lady’s naturally slippery butt cheeks. What could she have meant by that? Why were they so slippery? Why was she having to defend her slippery butt?
Chances are, you’ve read about the disappearance of Malaysia Airlines flight 370. Chances are, they all deserved to die, too.
It’s not farfetched and if you’re offended, that’s your own fault - not mine. The chances that everyone on that flight was privileged, cis, and hetero, is extremely high. The Malaysian and Chinese governments, and by association its people, are responsible for the mass oppression and eradication of homosexuals and non-cis individuals.
In other words, every single person on board that aircraft was a criminal whose crimes were those against humanity.
I would not have preferred they died in that manner. Ideally it would have been under the spiked heel of proactive, radical feminism. But dead cis hets are dead cis hets, and we should be claiming our victories wherever we can get them at this point.
Plane crashes are scary. We do not want to be a part of one. But what’s even scarier, and what we are a part of every. single. day., is constant oppression and hate.
We should not forget this, and we should remember MH370 not as a terrible, tragic loss of life. We should remember it as a victory against the status quo, a small step forward towards equality and peace. Perhaps the loss of the plane and the “lives” on board will one day lead to gender neutral plaques on bathroom doors. This is how they would have wanted to be remembered: as a solution, through their deaths, to gender inequality.
I’m not addicted to smoking cigarettes, but I am addicted to pretending that I’m smoking cigarettes when it’s cold outside and I can see my breath. Nothing is as intoxicating as holding your hand in front of your mouth like you’re smoking and exhaling a beautiful puff of water vapor into the crisp night air. The moon looks lovely so I blow it a kiss.
Braless is the new movement ! Let your titties hang free!!